A little big story about Love Does and Ralph’s School of Positive Thinking.

Ralph talks about finding what our core is.
This is a story about how I found my core and what it is.
Why I want to share something so deeply personal to me –  because I’d like to give people courage to do the same.

I made a commitment with myself and with God to share my heart so that people could better understand what drives  me to dig for love within and without, and so they could do the same.

It is relevant to share what broke me so that I could be made whole again. (Not a corny one liner, I promise, but is the truth).

The concepts that Ralph teaches are not new to me. This is a story that explains how his teachings are relevant and how they help.

This was written last year (in March).

A year ago I dated a man who made me feel and believe as though there was something wrong with me. There were of course others before him, but he was the pinnacle of all the heartbreaks.
I suppose not being/feeling loved is somehow ingrained in my subconscious mind from my early years, but that is another story. The relevance here was that, needing that validation is something I had always needed/wanted. That validation, however, although not the same as was in my younger years manifested into this need for validation in my twenties.  What I wanted was to truly share my heart with someone. What it came out to be, because I didn’t know love within myself, was me chasing after people.
“The guy”, who shall remain nameless, for the sake of his anonymity, broke up with me over a text message, with an “I”m sorry you are not the one and I don’t love you and the things that bothered me about you before still bother me now.” Those words “broke” me. Words really do kill, as Buren says.
I heard not the nice things that he said, that I did deserve someone who did love me and gave me what I wanted in a relationship but that I wasn’t loved. This was the third time we would be parting and perhaps why this whole thing was such a pinnacle and a complete devastation for me.
All I heard was that I wasn’t loved.
By the powers that be, whatever powers you wish to believe in, I was brought to a book, called Love Does, and to a conference revolving around that book, a book and a conference that gave me the courage to find the validation within myself that has been there all along, but that I desperately searched for from others.
The validation that I was loved. That I. Was. Love. I was made of it. I. Was. It.
And the love I felt, after I had discovered this, was only amplified as I shared it with the world. I was no longer my heartbreaks. I no longer lacked anything. I was no longer “abandoned”.
I  learned that to share my love with the world was human and to be loved was kosher. (We all want that). I learned that the best way to receive it is to give it and to give it freely. I wasn’t weird, or “too much”. This wasn’t an issue and I didn’t need to be “fixed”.
There was absolutely nothing wrong with me. I wanted to make the world a better place and to be loved  and be loving to others and that was “normal”, not dellusional.
That love has been changing my life ever since. I am living proof that doing, feeling, and thinking Love attracts goodness into your life. That doesn’t mean every day is rainbows and roses, it just means that most days rather than not, I feel loved, I feel grateful, I see, am attracted to and seek goodness in life, and in people, and in circumstances. But I am human and although all this is wonderful what Ralph has taught me so far is how to fine tune all this.
Want patience? BE patience.
Thinking a bad thought? Pause. Ask yourself: why? Chew it, digest it, and rationalize in your mind that you have absolutely no reason to feel that way.
Negativity usually comes from fear. So what is it that we are so afraid of?

So why am I sharing all this?
Because I want to tell people that this stuff works. It does change your life, but it takes time. It’s gradual, but it happens; and the more you keep your eyes and heart open the more you’ll see how.

God IS love. Why would anyone not want that in their lives?

People have opened up their hearts and their homes to me. I have truly amazing friends and my life continues to grow and be better every single day. But Ralph with the School of Positive Thinking is really driving this home. Because every single day we are faced with situations, that for the last 20, 30, 40 years our minds have been conditioned to react to.
None of you that know me now, knew the crocodile tears I shed every single day when I didn’t feel the love I craved. Perhaps I was a completely different individual, or perhaps the true me was there all along, and I just needed to tap into my true core.

The biggest thing I have learned and am learning is to how control that beautiful thing called our mind. A beautiful thing we need to learn to tame for the better. Learning to recognize when it’s about to go off the deep end. In this way, I am able to be more patient with people, to be more empathetic and to be less reactionary, to be more more aware and “in tune” with my surroundings.

All the love that I have put out into the world and have felt within me returns to me every single day tenfold.

Written March 2014.

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2014 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2014 annual report for this blog.

Here's an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 620 times in 2014. If it were a cable car, it would take about 10 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

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That Little Bit Of Sadness That Creeps In

I have days that creep in that sound familiar to this. They are not seasons, but the days nonetheless, and they feel like forever. I’m glad they only last days, a couple, or a few.

Thought Catalog

asitansuaveasitansuave

I’m not sure when I realized I was depressed. Maybe it was in the past couple of weeks. Maybe I’ve been depressed my entire life. I have no idea.

I’ve known a lot of people who have said they’re depressed, who would talk about the prescriptions they were on, and write detailed blog posts about their depression, noting every last depressed idea they had. I always thought it was sort of bullshit – the way they talked about it, shrugging it off like it was no big deal, popping pills, then doing the same things they’ve always done. I never related to that because in a way I just thought it all seemed like it was a part of some shitty Tumblr fad. That probably sounds awful and I’m not trying to make light of anyone’s mental illness. All I’m saying is that it didn’t feel genuine to me.

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When Fear and Anxiety Try To Win.

Fear has been on the nation’s front page. It is on the town’s front page. This was much needed.

DustyTakle.com

I have moments where I worry just like you. I let my thoughts run wild. I don’t discipline them and before I know it, I am awake in the middle of the night doing the exact opposite of what I tell other people to do. Anxiety fills me. Fear grips me. Stress takes over my physical and mental being. It’s an awful feeling. I long for morning, because I need a new day. A new grip on life. I need Kris to wake up and reassure me what I need reassure myself.

Last night was that kind of night for me. I tossed and turned. I let fear grip me. Hold me. Wrap its ugly hands around me. Grab hold of me like it owned me.

I finally slept the last hour. My alarm went off. I peeled open my eyes. And, I reminded myself of this scripture:

We demolish…

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Just today.

Reading an article about the joy of children, inundated with Ferguson and feeling other people’s pain which I do too well, recovering from some weird one day stomach flu, I realized that I’m emotionally overly sensitive today.
I think about holidays, and how my mom is alone and how I wish I was with her.
I think about being comforted by my grandmother when I would get sick.
I think about family.
Alone.
That’s how I feel.
Where is my tribe?
I’m not really alone. I have a roommate, a boyfriend and friends. But they will all have “their” family to go to for the holidays, it will not be my family.

I read a status from a friend from high school. She is in pain. She’s in another state.
I realize somehow or other we all experience it. Pain. Loneliness. If people could only see the world through my eyes, through her eyes, through some stranger’s eyes.
I keep hearing about how tonight the bars will be crazy with people and past friends from high school everyone will try to avoid.
I won’t have that problem. Ever. The joys of being a military kid.
But I know there are over a hundred kids (just from my graduating class) that won’t have that problem either.
Alone.
But not so alone.
The 100 + kids are with me. I’m not alone.

This is my least favorite part of the holidays. Nostalgia and a tinge of pain.
I miss the German Christmas market, and the gluhwein, the crepes and the beautiful poinsettia lights, but I don’t miss Germany. I don’t miss the people.
Conflicting.

These are very fragmented thoughts. But these are my thoughts for today.

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The nurse who broke protocol~

In light of what is happening now…

Back Porch Sheep

And here you will read the true story of a nurse who broke protocol.

I held the bloody hand of an HIV+ patient without gloving.

About three weeks ago.

I was walking down the hallway when I heard yelling.  I hear that a lot, I work in behavioral health.  So I checked what was happening and saw the patient with blood on her clothing and on her hands and I knew she was HIV+ and I didn’t know the source of the blood.  I approached her anyway and got her to sit down with me and then I took her hand.  And none of this happened because I’m a hero nor did it happen because I’m stupid or because I don’t know about precautions.  It happened because I’m a nurse.

Just like the times I’ve peeled off my glove to do a difficult IV start so I could get a…

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Need to know: About Facebook’s emotional contagion study

wow

ideas.ted.com

Ethicists are concerned about the recently published details of a mood alteration experiment conducted on Facebook users. Ready to go beyond the headlines? 5 primary sources worth reading next.

Source: “Experimental evidence of massive-scale emotional contagion through social networks,” Adam Kramer et al, Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, June 17, 2014.
Why you should read this: For one week in January 2012, data scientists from Cornell and Facebook experimented on more than half a million people over the age of 13. Their goal? To establish whether or not emotions are contagious online. This paper documents their findings.
Excerpt: “We show, via a massive (N = 689,003) experiment on Facebook, that emotional states can be transferred to others via emotional contagion, leading people to experience the same emotions without their awareness. We provide experimental evidence that emotional contagion occurs without direct interaction between people (exposure to a friend expressing an emotion is…

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