Just today.

Reading an article about the joy of children, inundated with Ferguson and feeling other people’s pain which I do too well, recovering from some weird one day stomach flu, I realized that I’m emotionally overly sensitive today.
I think about holidays, and how my mom is alone and how I wish I was with her.
I think about being comforted by my grandmother when I would get sick.
I think about family.
Alone.
That’s how I feel.
Where is my tribe?
I’m not really alone. I have a roommate, a boyfriend and friends. But they will all have “their” family to go to for the holidays, it will not be my family.

I read a status from a friend from high school. She is in pain. She’s in another state.
I realize somehow or other we all experience it. Pain. Loneliness. If people could only see the world through my eyes, through her eyes, through some stranger’s eyes.
I keep hearing about how tonight the bars will be crazy with people and past friends from high school everyone will try to avoid.
I won’t have that problem. Ever. The joys of being a military kid.
But I know there are over a hundred kids (just from my graduating class) that won’t have that problem either.
Alone.
But not so alone.
The 100 + kids are with me. I’m not alone.

This is my least favorite part of the holidays. Nostalgia and a tinge of pain.
I miss the German Christmas market, and the gluhwein, the crepes and the beautiful poinsettia lights, but I don’t miss Germany. I don’t miss the people.
Conflicting.

These are very fragmented thoughts. But these are my thoughts for today.

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